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It’s My Birthday and I’ll…

I’m 26 today. Twenty six…

I never thought beyond 24 when I was a little girl. 24 was always going to be “the age” when I’d be out of college, in a solid career, have a house and be married. Funny, at 24 I didn’t have any of those things and at 26 it’s no different.

It’s interesting – when it comes to other people’s lives it’s so much easier for me to be loving and gentle with them and then it is to be loving and gentle on myself. When people tell me that they’re not where they want to be in their lives, I feel nothing but compassion for them. But if that person is me, compassion is much harder to come by (actually, I originally wrote, “But if that person is me, fuuuuuck THAT!” Figure I’d try to give a more PG version, though).

Growing up in school, I was one of the top students in my class. Today, I’ve dropped out of school (by choice) twice. In fact, I was planning on going back this semester, but I dilly-dallied just long enough to lose my spot in the class I’d signed up for. What am I doing??…

I certainly never thought I’d be in recovery for sex/love/relationship/lust addiction, THAT’S for sure. I figured people getting help for that just went to find other people to hook up with; it was just silly. Boy, how little did I know when I was younger, I tell ya. Though, my recovery has taught me more in terms of fulfillment and growth and finding the true beauty of life than any schooling ever has.

Still don’t have that relationship; haven’t found the right one, yet. I don’t know that I ever will, to be honest with you. I do my best to forget about it every day and to be grateful instead for what I do have. But it bothers me. Many of my older friends remind me to enjoy my time now and blah, blah, blah. I think they might have forgotten what it’s like to be my age sometimes…they remind me of what they would do differently. And I know it’s wise to listen to their suggestions, but I’m getting to a point where I’m ready to live my own life – not someone else’s regrets.

Most people I know by now have been in relationships at some point in their lives for at least a solid 6 months. Not this girl. This girl falls for big, strong, amazing, kind and completely unavailable men… The last one became physically unavailable when he left for Afghanistan. Other times, they’re simply emotionally unavailable (though, emotional unavailability is by default when he’s physically gone). Or they’re just taken and I can’t have them (which is both physically and emotionally unavailable – awesome, isn’t it).

Part of me feels like I should be posting some totally incredible post that’s all about being positive and how “attitude is everything.” But the truth is I’m human. I’m as human as the bum on the corner or the crazy lady at Walmart after 10:00 P.M.

My life is not perfect. Not even kinda, sorta, maybe.

But I will tell you one thing: my friends and family are fucking amazing. I have people in my life who love me to pieces and no matter what I tell them about me and my life, they still love me (even people I haven’t seen for years). There are people I’ve screwed over or messed up with who still help me every day. I have coaches and mentors, people who give me second and third and fourth chances and people who like to make sure I’m smiling and safe.

So, while I can’t say I have all the success I ever dreamed of and that I’ve found the love of my life (even though I know no love is perfect and by finding him I’ll never have any problems again), I can say that I have one of the best support systems I have ever seen.

And frankly, I’m in love with that.

 

Merry Christmas

  • Tracy & Jim

    You are so perfect and so loved

  • Nicole

    You are amazing!! Just roll with life and know that you are loved and blessed just for being you. <3
     

  • Gillgilltheguitargirl

    Im in love with that, too. My dad just called me and told me he was getting divorced after 18 years and that its mutual and theyre going to stay friends. He said they both agreed that it wasnt working and that neither of them wanted to stay together and continue to be unhappy; life is too short. It got my thinking that, in the long run, life is too short to waste time being unhappy; that relationships are not guaranteed forever even if we go into them hoping they will last; and that love can come from sources we never expected or could have planned ourselves. You’re a part of the love in my life and I never could have known you would show up. Its ok to just live and see what happens, remembering that opportunities for love, happiness and fullfillment are all around us…always! Love you…love your writing….and your heart!